Good Reads

I love to read. That hasn’t always been the case. I’m reminded of a required reading from Mrs. Kieklak’s class. We had to read The Sign of the Beaver, and that was when my first thoughts of suicide began. Terrible, terrible book.  My love of reading probably began just a few short years ago. Now it is a hobby that I like to keep all to myself. I appreciate the relationship that can develop between a person and a book. It’s a connection that I find to be even stronger than one might have with a TV show or movie. The experience is strangely intimate. But there are times when I fantasize about the benefits of being illiterate. Yes, that is right. The blessings of illiteracy. 

My mind went to that weird place one day while I was transporting our foster dog to Rome, Georgia. I was in a hurry to get Brutus to the North Broad Animal Clinic, so that he would not miss his ride to Pennsylvania. I found myself tailgating an ambulance. This ambulance was obviously not in any kind of rush. Sirens were silenced and the driver was going the speed limit. After twenty minutes or so of riding this truck’s ass, I realized I completely missed the large message on the back doors. KEEP BACK 500 YARDS. I hadn’t been keeping back 500 centimeters. But what could really happen? 

I visualized a corpse flying out of the double doors after an abrupt stop, and the body splattering on my windshield like a big bug. For some reason, this body is naked and fat in my mind. It’s hairy and genderless, too. I don’t know why. 

I began to wonder what most likely would have occurred if I did not know how to read: 

Officer:  “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

Me:  (while batting my eyelashes) “I’m sorry officer, but I haven’t a clue what I did wrong.”

Officer:  “Well, little lady, you were following too closely to that ambulance. It says on the back, KEEP BACK 500 YARDS.”

I would burst in to tears, admitting that I didn’t know how to read. It was my deep dark secret. He would take pity on me, and Brutus would make his ride in the nick of time. 

None of this happened. I just thought about it most of the trip. It also occurred to me that one must read to pass the permit test. Oh, and the officer resembled LL Cool J.

I have always leaned toward nonfiction. I’ve never been a huge science fiction gal. My imagination is already entirely too active. But The Hunger Games has changed my life. I get lost in the characters names--Katniss, Peeta, Rue. I have become so obsessed with this series that I believe I actually live in this book. I am a character, with a weird name, fighting for my life. I feel equipped to live in the wilderness and hunt for game. I can handle Nunchucks and am quite handy with a Trident. Yes, I am delusional.

I could never find The Hunger Game series my friends were raving about when I went to the book store. For one, I don’t like to speak or make eye contact with salespeople. And two, I was looking in the wrong section. You can find these books in Adolescent Literature. I’m not going to give you an overview of these books. Just go read them. There are three. And then you will understand what I am talking about, and we can start our own book/fan club.

Nostalgia has been kicking in lately, and I’ve revisited some of my childhood favorites as well as books I read to my students last year. I highly recommend the following:

Best book ever

I love how some of these classics take you right back to a moment in your childhood. I recall reading Matilda in the fourth grade when I lived at 1815 Topf. I remember reading in my bedroom and wondering why organized was organised and color was colour. I also recall that there were bad words in the book, but that I didn’t dare want to tell my dad. There it was....the intimacy of reading.

So go back and read one of these books if you get the chance. It’s a good rainy or sunny day activity. You’ll be surprised how much you remember and how much you forgot.  And if there are some you haven’t read before, become a member of paperbackswap.com. You’ll receive the books via snail mail and can read them under the covers. No one has to know. It can be your little secret.

Me Lately

I was reading over my very first blog and was happy to realize that I have experienced many changes since that sad, sad, sad time. For starters, teeth brushing is no longer an afternoon chore, but one that occurs in the morning. I also don’t wake up and immediately say to myself, “ I cannot wait until 5 pm so that I can start drinking with my friends”. And when I would say friends I would mean dogs. And most importantly, I actually now get to experience direct sunlight....every day...multiple times a day. 

Good things are happening. I attribute it all to B 12 vitamins and laxatives. I’ve definitely taken a liking to a few hobbies. I’m still volunteering at the shelter a couple times a week and have taken on a few extra responsibilities. Not only do I pick up a lot of dog poo, but I’m organizing offsite adoption events and helping dogs get into different rescues. And while I’m on the subject, people that work for animal rescues are bat-shit crazy. If you know a super crazy person, they are most likely really into porcelain dolls OR work for an animal rescue (or have a blog).

Kyle and I have also checked something off of the hobby list:  ballroom dancing. Every Friday night, we take an East Coast Swing class at the studio where I also attend Zumba. It’s upbeat and not too difficult. So people with two left feet, like my poor husband, can pick up on the steps pretty easily. And who doesn’t like to dance to Huey Lewis? Who? 

And by the way, I’m going to be a Zumba instructor. I only said yes so that I could wear neon parachute pants with butt tassels. Woo woo! I heard  that at the certification weekend, they have these intense dance offs between the students. I can’t wait to slap the floor and spank my own ass. I’ll be sure to let you know how it goes.

Just for fun................

Here is an incredibly random list of things that I really like RIGHT NOW:

1. Everybody Loves Raymond
2. Protein Shakes
3. The Hunger Games series
4. Amy Sedaris
5. Pepto 
6. The Avett Brothers
7. The latest episodes of Jeopardy
8. Any Given Sunday (ladies know why)
9. My new New Balance shoes
10. Watching my dog masturbate

Here is an incredibly random list of things that I really hate RIGHT NOW:

1. Assholes
2. New American Idol
3. Justin Bieber
4. People that plagiarize in their f-ing blogs
5. Annie’s organic mac and cheese
6. Joy Behar
7. Pillows that smell like urine
8. Stomach bugs
9. Micro-managers
10. Watching my dog masturbate

Cabin Fever

Not having any money is a major downer. Sucky weather is also a bummer. But the combination of being poor and cold can take any person to a deep, dark place they would never wish upon anyone. I could not be happier that January is finally over. According to the President and other important people, 2011’s January was the worst month that has ever existed. I’m pretty sure I read that somewhere. 

Which brings me to address a very important issue:  seasonal depression. Seasonal depression, or seasonal affective disorder (SAD) occurs at a specific time each year for many people. Often times, it starts in the fall and ends around springtime. Many refer to it as “the winter blues.” According to the Cleveland Clinic, you might have a case of SAD if you are always tired, lack energy, prefer to be alone, or crave carbohydrates. Furthermore, women between the ages of 20-40 are more prone to SAD. 

Okay. When I read this I initially thought, “ I have SAD all the time and so do a lot of my friends.” I panicked. But do not fear! There is a way to treat SAD. Apparently, bitchy women shoving bread in their mouths can participate in LIGHT THERAPY. Basically, you go to a doctor and they flash really bright florescent lights close to your face. Abracadabra! You’re all better. Side effects include eye strain and headaches. Shocker. 

If you don’t have the bones to pay for light therapy, there are other things you can do to get out of your rut. The Cleveland Clinic suggests these no-brainers to feeling better: exercising three times a week for thirty minutes, spending time with friends, seeing a shrink....blah, blah, blah.

These suggestions sound all fine and dandy, but I know and you know that it is all crap. You’re not going to do these things to help yourself. It’s all boring. It is time to think outside of the box, so that we can officially put a stop to this cabin fever bologna. I have listed some ideas that have pulled me out of my winter blues: 

Make a Stoup 

I have made Rachael Ray’s delightful Hungarian Hot Sausage and Lentil Stoup (it’s stew and soup combined) twice this winter. It’s got great flavor and a lot of heat. The recipe makes such a large batch that you can freeze half of it to eat later.

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/rachael-ray/hungarian-hot-sausage-and-lentil-stoup-recipe/index.html

I need to be frank with you. It gives you really bad gas and terrible diarrhea. So don’t eat it if you have somewhere important to go later.  If you’re one of those freaks that doesn’t fart in front of other people, you probably shouldn’t make this recipe. Because there is no way of stopping it. Don’t even waste your time taking the Beano.

Blueberry Toss

Go to the grocery store and buy a large container of blueberries. When you return home, divide the blueberries with a partner and stand about ten feet away from each other. Toss blueberries to each other and try to catch them with your mouths. If ten feet proves to be to easy, then increase the distance. Kyle and I played this for about thirty minutes the other night. There is no way you can do this without laughing or wetting your pants. 

Make a Sun Mobile

The sun rarely makes an appearance in my neck of the woods. I wasn’t going to just sit around and moan and groan about how much I miss the sunshine. Right now I’m making a sun to hang from my ceiling. I took an XL paper bag and cut two large circles from it. I painted one side of each circle a happy yellow. Next, I’m going to staple the circles together (yellow sides facing out). However, I need to leave an opening between the two circles so that I can stuff it with newspaper to give it some bulk. Then, I’ll cut out cardboard strips from a shoe box to make the sun rays. I plan on painting both sides yellow. I’ll glue them to the inside of the sun (in between the staples). Lastly, I’ll punch a hole in it and hang it up. 

I hope this sun.......

...makes me feel like I'm looking at this sun.

Play Scrabble

I don’t mean play Words with Friends. Too many times I catch Kyle and I sitting next to each other, playing each other in Words with Friends. Although, sometimes we change it up and play in different rooms. I know this is stupid and ridiculous. The other evening, we pulled out our real Scrabble board and played a round. Even though he won, it was still pretty fun and more challenging than the Iphone version. 

Change the Channel

I was once obsessed with the E! and Bravo networks. Yes, this is embarrassing for me to admit. What is so entertaining about watching a bunch of drunk people dance and scream at one another? What is so mesmerizing about two people getting into a really awkward confrontation. Who knows? I knew I had to find new shows when I was experiencing physical pain when viewing my usual programs. Do you ever have to change the channel because whatever is on television is just too humiliating to watch? I found myself doing this a lot, so I turned to HGTV. I’ve learned a lot about design and now feel comfortable with a few do-it-yourself projects. I also love watching Bang for Your Buck. There is something really pleasurable about watching rich people being told that they have bad taste. 

Foster an Animal

This has definitely taken my mind off of the fact that it has been disgusting outside for what feels like a million years. Brutus, a short-haired German Pointer, has brought so much happiness to our house. As my friend put it, he is Buddhdog....the Buddha of Dogs. Prior to bringing him into our home, I had two sweet, hyperactive dogs. Now I have three mellow dogs. I thought Brutus was the perfect dog...until Saturday afternoon. Around 2:30, I let Brutus and Linus out in the backyard to play for a bit. About ten minutes later, I opened the door to let them back inside. Linus was there but no Brutus. 

SHHHHIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT! I was worried to say the least. I honestly did not think he could fit under our fence. Linus, who is smaller than Brutus cannot fit under our fence. Kyle and I spent a good part of the afternoon riding our bikes and driving around looking for him. No Brutus. I felt horrible. I called the shelter to let them know how badly I messed up. I immediately started drinking Merlot to numb the pain. That night, Kyle and I dined at Crocodile Ed’s. It’s like Powerhouse but not as good. We ate in silence. When returning home, I found Linus whining like a crazy dog. Not typical of him. I figured he just needed to pee and opened the door to let him out. And wouldn’t you know....there was Brutus...on our back deck....five hours later. I couldn’t believe it . He hadn’t been with us for 24 hours and still found his way back to our house. So I’m going with my first opinion of Brutus.....he is the perfect dog.

He is currently getting his balls cut off.

Bow Wow Wow Yippie Yo Yippie Yay

I remember feeling that my college applications were a little blah. In high school, clubs were never really my thing. Probably because the teachers running them were unequipped and lazy. My resume, which I have sent out to over one hundred unresponsive hiring managers, lacks luster. I usually fall asleep somewhere in between the experience and education sections. When skimming over it, I’m reminded that I lead a boring life and spent too many years in college. However, that is all soon to change because now I am a VOLUNTEER. I’m actually working without receiving pay to give my resume a bit of flare. Strange, I know. I currently volunteer at the Florence- Lauderdale Animal Shelter. 

You might think that it seems boring to have volunteering on my hobby list, but I have honestly not done much volunteer work in my life. And if I have, it’s because I was forced to. Once I helped with a Make a Wish race. I was responsible for making sure the runners stayed on course. Halfway through the event, I found a nice big bush to take a nap under. I was also required to participate in a Ronald McDonald event at the Micky D’s on Martin Luther King (aka 6th Street) back in my sorority days. My roommate and I got in her car and drove there with the intention to do some selfless work. I think we forgot what we were there for and just hit the drive-thru to score some nuggets and Diet Coke.

My first day at the Florence- Lauderdale Animal Shelter was truly the best day I have had in Florence so far. The bubbly morning shift manager has pegged me as ‘the girl who isn’t afraid to walk the big, awkward dogs’. I embrace the title. There is a cemetery with a walking path right next door to the shelter. The cemetery groundsmen are nice enough to let us walk the dogs around the cemetery, so long as we pick up their shit. There is something really poetic about walking these orphaned animals around a graveyard. Well, there has been more dragging than walking going on. My first dog (favorite dog) that I walked is named Sarge. He is a precious yellow lab that is a replica of the dog from Marley and Me. He likes to poop on things that are elevated. It’s very weird. Thorny bushes, benches, and headstones (oops). It’s funny to watch him shimmy his butt up as high in the air as possible. Not really funny to watch what happens next. 

Sarge

I’ve also learned a few interesting bits of information while volunteering. For instance, one Border Collie puppy, Dudley, was sequestered because he has Parvo. Fortunately, he found a good foster home without any other dogs, so now he can recover and get lots of TLC. 

One of the volunteers asked me if I had ever smelled Parvo. I said, “ I don’t think so.” 

She said, “It’s this really nasty vommitty smell. It’s one of those smells you may have smelled before, you just never knew what it was. Like when you realize that the smell coming out of your neighbor’s backyard is marijuana. You’ve smelled Parvo before, I’m sure.” 

This comment made me LOTI (Laugh On The Inside). Because guess what people? You’re sure as hell not laughing out loud when you say you are. 

Now anytime that I smell something weird or unfamiliar, I think it is Parvo. Or maybe it’s marijuana? :) 

Dudley

I also learned that Pit Bulls are illegal in the state of Alabama as well as intelligence, fun things to do, and dental hygiene. If a Pit comes into the shelter it is immediately put down. This absolutely breaks my heart. I’m one of those people that believes these animals get a bad rap, and any bad behavior is most likely the owner’s fault. They will even put down a dog that is part Pit Bull and part something else. I’m fairly certain that Augie has a little Pit Bull in him. Ssshhhhh. Don’t tell anyone. 

If you have some free time and love animals, I would highly recommend volunteering at a shelter (I just sounded like a kid promoting a book on Reading Rainbow). Don’t assume that you’ll be expected to clean kennels or scrub water bowls. Most places are just happy to have people that will come and play with the dogs and give them the individual attention they need so badly. But you will have to pick up poo. No way around it. 

Let's Macromate!

   I came across my hobby list the other day and thought it might be fun to share it with everyone.

       Hobby List 

1. Learn the game of tennis
2. Practice the art of yoga
3. Cook a meal that seems impossible
4. Go paintballing
5. Make my own soaps and/ or candles
6. Learn to play an instrument
7. Ballroom dance
8. Become the ultimate GAMER
9. Run a half marathon or compete in some type of race
10. Transform into a karate kid
11. Crochet or cross-stitch something really easy
12. Hippie hula-hoop dance
13. Jump out of an airplane (parachute optional)
14. Star in a play (chorus counts)
15. Design my own clothing line *
16. Go horseback riding
17. Dabble in photography
18. Enter a cooking contest
19. Get a piece of writing published (Highlights will do)
20. Build something on my own
21. Volunteer
22. Kayak
23. Create a backyard garden
24. Pickle my own veggies
25. Gamble my life away at a casino

    The italicized items are hobbies I have already perfected. If you were hoping to read a blog of real substance......TODAY IS YOUR LUCKY DAY! This week, I accomplished something I have always wanted to try but was too terrified to attempt. Silly me. I’m one creative, STYLISH gal, right? Some might say that I’m the next Lauren Conrad or even one of her slutty friends. This week I completed number fifteen on the list. And let me tell you, I have been dying to share my fabulous clothing line with all of my peeps. People are constantly stopping me on the streets of Northwest Alabama to compliment my jeans or ask where I got my exotic dog hair-coated top. “Oh my gosh! I never thought to wear jeans with an enormous hole in the crotch! How inventive! And it just closes up with that safety pin? Clever.” 

    Now because my funding is quite limited, I can only show you three designs. But they are three incredible pieces (I'm already taking orders). And what’s great about this blog is that I am not only going to show you my super top secret designs, but I will also provide you with detailed explanations of how to create each and every piece. I’ve named my collection Unbelievable because you honestly will not believe your eyes when you see what I have created.

Design1:  Jorts

I searched through my closet to find a pair of jeans that were a tad snug. You know your jeans are too tight when they bunch into little creases on the back of your thighs. It did not take me long to find this special pair of jeans because all of my jeans do this. I put the jeans on and with a piece of chalk, made dotted lines around both legs about eleven inches above my kneecaps. I took off the jeans and got a good pair of scissors. Next, I cut on the dotted lines (I know it’s a long and tedious process, but it is totally worth it). Genius, right? You can take the leftover scraps of denim to make arm warmers.

Ha....made you look at my butt.

The shorter, the better...

2, 4, 6, 8...macromate!

America's Next Top Model

Design 2: Indian Vest

Indians (the ones with feathers not dots) were the inspiration behind this next design. This particular piece was a bit more challenging to make than the jorts. I decided to use a lovely brown paper sack as my fabric. First, cut a hole for your head. Second, cut a hole for each of your arms. However, if you only have one arm just cut one hole on the appropriate side. To create a fringe look, I cut short slits on the bottom of the sack. Finally, I colored my vest with one-of-a-kind designs using Crayola Washable Markers, NOT Rose Art.

Blue Steal

Suckas'

Design 3:  Tin Hat

I have always wanted to create a piece of headwear that could protect my brain from electromagnetic  psychotronic mind control carriers. This inconspicuous and fashionable form of mind control protection provides real security and makes everyone who wears it look really cool. It blocks alien signals and prevents mind reading, keeping the secrets in your head actually secret! Finally, a little bit of privacy! This would also pair very nicely with a metallic miniskirt. If you can manage to find aluminum foil, you can be this fashionable and safe.

Privacy please!

I dare you to try and read my mind.

    I know some of you reading this participate in beauty pageants and modeling. And when I say modeling, I actually mean taking ridiculous shots of yourself with your phone and posting them on Facebook. So you might want to take note of the above poses. And remember to SM-EYES....that’s smiling with your eyes. Tyra Banks does it all the time.

* I apologize if you actually read this entire blog entry. I promise to try harder next time???????

Been Hangin' Around

    My New Year’s resolution is not to get in better shape. It’s not to be more organized or even to save more and spend less. My New Year’s resolution is to go without soft drinks for an entire year. I have a feeling this year is going to be chock-full of headaches. It’s kind of like saying goodbye to a dear friend. I love Diet Coke. We have had a long relationship. DC has comforted me during the tweaked out all- nighters at the Union and nourished me on the mornings when I had thirteen too many beers the night before. I suppose you could say I have a Diet Coke addiction. And it’s not because it gives me wings. Caffeine has absolutely no effect on me anymore. Diet Coke gives me an activity. “Gotta make a Sonic run.” I know many of you reading this right now go to Sonic every day. Shame on you. Think of all that styrofoam! And have you ever calculated how much money you spend at Sonic on a yearly basis? Go do it. You will be embarrassed. So I guess cutting out Diet Cokes will save me some money. Hmmm....

    The thing is, my New Year’s resolution REALLY should be to dedicate more time to my blog. I blame the holidays, inflamed nasal passages, Pinot Noir, and the state of Alabama. Not my fault at all. I haven’t really checked any hobby off my hobby list in a while. However, I have been doing things. I promise. For instance, I sculpted a garden gnome. His name is Elliot and he is very sensitive about his ears, so back off.

    Kyle and I are also competing in a decathlon of sorts. On one of our date nights, where he pretends to be Thomas the redneck that speaks with a southern accent, it was decided that we should have a friendly competition between the two of us (since there is nothing to do here but watch football and talk about football). I thought of events that we would each have a pretty fair chance at winning and recorded them on a cocktail napkin. We have only successfully completed one event, and I am very irritated to report that Kyle won three out of three card games of Nickel Saw. It’s quite fun and requires three decks of cards as well as nickels. If I see you soon, remind me to teach you this family fun game. Here are the other events we will compete in:

Tonight I am hoping to dominate at darts and Eight Ball (pardon the drunk misspellings on this list).

    I also painted this lovely portrait of Linus. Let me know if you would like me to paint a mediocre picture of your dog or cat. Just send me a blank check and a photo of your pet:).

    Recently, I attended a Zumba class at a nearby dance studio. For those living under a rock, Zumba is an aerobic dance class. All the songs that you dance to are in Espanol. And while the dances are upbeat and semi challenging, they also include some humorous hand motions. I catch myself feeling like one of the Wiggles. “Sure, I'll pantomime that I’m driving a car, starting a lawn mower, or washing windows. Our instructor was a few minutes late to class and informed us that she was having one of those days. I didn’t think anything of it until she began to forget the dance combinations. Finally, she admitted that she had taken some medication right before class. This cracked me up, and I could not get control of myself. Not sure if she was joking or not. Either way, I will definitely be going to Zumba again.

    But seriously, I’m making a promise to myself and the few followers I have out in Blogland that I will get back on track with completing my list. What else do I have to do?