Bow Wow Wow Yippie Yo Yippie Yay

I remember feeling that my college applications were a little blah. In high school, clubs were never really my thing. Probably because the teachers running them were unequipped and lazy. My resume, which I have sent out to over one hundred unresponsive hiring managers, lacks luster. I usually fall asleep somewhere in between the experience and education sections. When skimming over it, I’m reminded that I lead a boring life and spent too many years in college. However, that is all soon to change because now I am a VOLUNTEER. I’m actually working without receiving pay to give my resume a bit of flare. Strange, I know. I currently volunteer at the Florence- Lauderdale Animal Shelter. 

You might think that it seems boring to have volunteering on my hobby list, but I have honestly not done much volunteer work in my life. And if I have, it’s because I was forced to. Once I helped with a Make a Wish race. I was responsible for making sure the runners stayed on course. Halfway through the event, I found a nice big bush to take a nap under. I was also required to participate in a Ronald McDonald event at the Micky D’s on Martin Luther King (aka 6th Street) back in my sorority days. My roommate and I got in her car and drove there with the intention to do some selfless work. I think we forgot what we were there for and just hit the drive-thru to score some nuggets and Diet Coke.

My first day at the Florence- Lauderdale Animal Shelter was truly the best day I have had in Florence so far. The bubbly morning shift manager has pegged me as ‘the girl who isn’t afraid to walk the big, awkward dogs’. I embrace the title. There is a cemetery with a walking path right next door to the shelter. The cemetery groundsmen are nice enough to let us walk the dogs around the cemetery, so long as we pick up their shit. There is something really poetic about walking these orphaned animals around a graveyard. Well, there has been more dragging than walking going on. My first dog (favorite dog) that I walked is named Sarge. He is a precious yellow lab that is a replica of the dog from Marley and Me. He likes to poop on things that are elevated. It’s very weird. Thorny bushes, benches, and headstones (oops). It’s funny to watch him shimmy his butt up as high in the air as possible. Not really funny to watch what happens next. 

Sarge

I’ve also learned a few interesting bits of information while volunteering. For instance, one Border Collie puppy, Dudley, was sequestered because he has Parvo. Fortunately, he found a good foster home without any other dogs, so now he can recover and get lots of TLC. 

One of the volunteers asked me if I had ever smelled Parvo. I said, “ I don’t think so.” 

She said, “It’s this really nasty vommitty smell. It’s one of those smells you may have smelled before, you just never knew what it was. Like when you realize that the smell coming out of your neighbor’s backyard is marijuana. You’ve smelled Parvo before, I’m sure.” 

This comment made me LOTI (Laugh On The Inside). Because guess what people? You’re sure as hell not laughing out loud when you say you are. 

Now anytime that I smell something weird or unfamiliar, I think it is Parvo. Or maybe it’s marijuana? :) 

Dudley

I also learned that Pit Bulls are illegal in the state of Alabama as well as intelligence, fun things to do, and dental hygiene. If a Pit comes into the shelter it is immediately put down. This absolutely breaks my heart. I’m one of those people that believes these animals get a bad rap, and any bad behavior is most likely the owner’s fault. They will even put down a dog that is part Pit Bull and part something else. I’m fairly certain that Augie has a little Pit Bull in him. Ssshhhhh. Don’t tell anyone. 

If you have some free time and love animals, I would highly recommend volunteering at a shelter (I just sounded like a kid promoting a book on Reading Rainbow). Don’t assume that you’ll be expected to clean kennels or scrub water bowls. Most places are just happy to have people that will come and play with the dogs and give them the individual attention they need so badly. But you will have to pick up poo. No way around it. 

Let's Macromate!

   I came across my hobby list the other day and thought it might be fun to share it with everyone.

       Hobby List 

1. Learn the game of tennis
2. Practice the art of yoga
3. Cook a meal that seems impossible
4. Go paintballing
5. Make my own soaps and/ or candles
6. Learn to play an instrument
7. Ballroom dance
8. Become the ultimate GAMER
9. Run a half marathon or compete in some type of race
10. Transform into a karate kid
11. Crochet or cross-stitch something really easy
12. Hippie hula-hoop dance
13. Jump out of an airplane (parachute optional)
14. Star in a play (chorus counts)
15. Design my own clothing line *
16. Go horseback riding
17. Dabble in photography
18. Enter a cooking contest
19. Get a piece of writing published (Highlights will do)
20. Build something on my own
21. Volunteer
22. Kayak
23. Create a backyard garden
24. Pickle my own veggies
25. Gamble my life away at a casino

    The italicized items are hobbies I have already perfected. If you were hoping to read a blog of real substance......TODAY IS YOUR LUCKY DAY! This week, I accomplished something I have always wanted to try but was too terrified to attempt. Silly me. I’m one creative, STYLISH gal, right? Some might say that I’m the next Lauren Conrad or even one of her slutty friends. This week I completed number fifteen on the list. And let me tell you, I have been dying to share my fabulous clothing line with all of my peeps. People are constantly stopping me on the streets of Northwest Alabama to compliment my jeans or ask where I got my exotic dog hair-coated top. “Oh my gosh! I never thought to wear jeans with an enormous hole in the crotch! How inventive! And it just closes up with that safety pin? Clever.” 

    Now because my funding is quite limited, I can only show you three designs. But they are three incredible pieces (I'm already taking orders). And what’s great about this blog is that I am not only going to show you my super top secret designs, but I will also provide you with detailed explanations of how to create each and every piece. I’ve named my collection Unbelievable because you honestly will not believe your eyes when you see what I have created.

Design1:  Jorts

I searched through my closet to find a pair of jeans that were a tad snug. You know your jeans are too tight when they bunch into little creases on the back of your thighs. It did not take me long to find this special pair of jeans because all of my jeans do this. I put the jeans on and with a piece of chalk, made dotted lines around both legs about eleven inches above my kneecaps. I took off the jeans and got a good pair of scissors. Next, I cut on the dotted lines (I know it’s a long and tedious process, but it is totally worth it). Genius, right? You can take the leftover scraps of denim to make arm warmers.

Ha....made you look at my butt.

The shorter, the better...

2, 4, 6, 8...macromate!

America's Next Top Model

Design 2: Indian Vest

Indians (the ones with feathers not dots) were the inspiration behind this next design. This particular piece was a bit more challenging to make than the jorts. I decided to use a lovely brown paper sack as my fabric. First, cut a hole for your head. Second, cut a hole for each of your arms. However, if you only have one arm just cut one hole on the appropriate side. To create a fringe look, I cut short slits on the bottom of the sack. Finally, I colored my vest with one-of-a-kind designs using Crayola Washable Markers, NOT Rose Art.

Blue Steal

Suckas'

Design 3:  Tin Hat

I have always wanted to create a piece of headwear that could protect my brain from electromagnetic  psychotronic mind control carriers. This inconspicuous and fashionable form of mind control protection provides real security and makes everyone who wears it look really cool. It blocks alien signals and prevents mind reading, keeping the secrets in your head actually secret! Finally, a little bit of privacy! This would also pair very nicely with a metallic miniskirt. If you can manage to find aluminum foil, you can be this fashionable and safe.

Privacy please!

I dare you to try and read my mind.

    I know some of you reading this participate in beauty pageants and modeling. And when I say modeling, I actually mean taking ridiculous shots of yourself with your phone and posting them on Facebook. So you might want to take note of the above poses. And remember to SM-EYES....that’s smiling with your eyes. Tyra Banks does it all the time.

* I apologize if you actually read this entire blog entry. I promise to try harder next time???????

Been Hangin' Around

    My New Year’s resolution is not to get in better shape. It’s not to be more organized or even to save more and spend less. My New Year’s resolution is to go without soft drinks for an entire year. I have a feeling this year is going to be chock-full of headaches. It’s kind of like saying goodbye to a dear friend. I love Diet Coke. We have had a long relationship. DC has comforted me during the tweaked out all- nighters at the Union and nourished me on the mornings when I had thirteen too many beers the night before. I suppose you could say I have a Diet Coke addiction. And it’s not because it gives me wings. Caffeine has absolutely no effect on me anymore. Diet Coke gives me an activity. “Gotta make a Sonic run.” I know many of you reading this right now go to Sonic every day. Shame on you. Think of all that styrofoam! And have you ever calculated how much money you spend at Sonic on a yearly basis? Go do it. You will be embarrassed. So I guess cutting out Diet Cokes will save me some money. Hmmm....

    The thing is, my New Year’s resolution REALLY should be to dedicate more time to my blog. I blame the holidays, inflamed nasal passages, Pinot Noir, and the state of Alabama. Not my fault at all. I haven’t really checked any hobby off my hobby list in a while. However, I have been doing things. I promise. For instance, I sculpted a garden gnome. His name is Elliot and he is very sensitive about his ears, so back off.

    Kyle and I are also competing in a decathlon of sorts. On one of our date nights, where he pretends to be Thomas the redneck that speaks with a southern accent, it was decided that we should have a friendly competition between the two of us (since there is nothing to do here but watch football and talk about football). I thought of events that we would each have a pretty fair chance at winning and recorded them on a cocktail napkin. We have only successfully completed one event, and I am very irritated to report that Kyle won three out of three card games of Nickel Saw. It’s quite fun and requires three decks of cards as well as nickels. If I see you soon, remind me to teach you this family fun game. Here are the other events we will compete in:

Tonight I am hoping to dominate at darts and Eight Ball (pardon the drunk misspellings on this list).

    I also painted this lovely portrait of Linus. Let me know if you would like me to paint a mediocre picture of your dog or cat. Just send me a blank check and a photo of your pet:).

    Recently, I attended a Zumba class at a nearby dance studio. For those living under a rock, Zumba is an aerobic dance class. All the songs that you dance to are in Espanol. And while the dances are upbeat and semi challenging, they also include some humorous hand motions. I catch myself feeling like one of the Wiggles. “Sure, I'll pantomime that I’m driving a car, starting a lawn mower, or washing windows. Our instructor was a few minutes late to class and informed us that she was having one of those days. I didn’t think anything of it until she began to forget the dance combinations. Finally, she admitted that she had taken some medication right before class. This cracked me up, and I could not get control of myself. Not sure if she was joking or not. Either way, I will definitely be going to Zumba again.

    But seriously, I’m making a promise to myself and the few followers I have out in Blogland that I will get back on track with completing my list. What else do I have to do?